They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
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CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑