Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
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Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.