My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
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broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.