Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
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My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.