🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
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Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
“our sushi is very fresh”
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
fired
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.