Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
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Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.