Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Tell the colonel to bring it
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
*pronounces fake like saké*
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa