This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
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Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Sponch
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*