[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
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If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.