What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
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The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Strange
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew