When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
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interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
Uh oh…
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho