At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
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This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
gm
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Proctology is located in A55
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.