Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
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1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?