(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
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“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.