This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
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Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
wtf is a larm clock?
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Self-cleaning conscience
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.