ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
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Rich people don’t understand cereal
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Note to self: I am a note
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered