Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
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and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away