[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
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Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Whoa 😂
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.