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[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
oppen heimer style lol
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.