Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
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My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.