Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
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Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
wut hotdog?
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.