Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
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A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
This did not end as expected.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?