Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
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I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism