Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
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Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
I need to get some bricks…
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
when the doctor brings med students into your exam