Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
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Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU