Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
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*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.