Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
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Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.