I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
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If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims