Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
You Might Also Like
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
motivation
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No