[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
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My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
<—- homeless romantic
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
All food is good if you spell it wrong
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”