My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
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Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
wow he looks just like him
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
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Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I am a gravy boat captain
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys