‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
You Might Also Like
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
A double negative is a big no-no.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.