[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
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[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.