If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
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You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
i’m still crying at this
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Nice try, poison.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING