I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
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Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
😂😂😂
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Nice try, NASA
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.