Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
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Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.