#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
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Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.