My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
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They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I’d love this…lol
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
This forever.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
same bro
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Good morning y’all ☀️
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”