mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
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Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”