Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
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Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
broke down and did it
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.