Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
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I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
LOOOOOOL
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children