PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
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nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
The old gods are rising again.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
“i miss shittin on people”
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.