Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
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the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo