Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
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911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Breaking news:
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.