I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
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*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
You better watch out
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”