Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
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This guy gets it.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We鈥檙e going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
time machine? you mean a clock?
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we鈥檙e 40 & kids haven鈥檛 stopped whining, we鈥檒l meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can鈥檛 find us
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle鈥檚 name is Microphone?!
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
馃毇No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let鈥檚 say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That鈥檚 it?
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you鈥檙e so cold, you naked moron
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pok茅mon GO but like…..opposite.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck