Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
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If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.