Wake me when AI does housework
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Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting