‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
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I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Good morning, Twitter x
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
3% human
97% stress
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?