“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
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Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.